Saturday, 16 January 2016

From Script To Screen - Script - Jazz - Feedback Please!

Feedback wanted please guys! Also on an unrelated note I saw 'The Revenant' yesterday and would recommend it to everyone! It was incredible! amazingly well directed and an amazing score!


  1. Evening Lewis, I don't want to materialise 'Grim Reaper-like' on your blog, but I've got a few issues with story. In truth, I'm left wondering why this patissier is so intent on impressing a puppy in a pet shop with cake. I also think that the trampoline appearing at the end is a bit weak, because again I'm wondering why the bouncing thing is so important (the giant cake etc). I really like the speed and economy of the way in which you establish your character at the beginning of the script, but I don't understand his motivation - is just trying to impress the puppy with his cake-making skills? Is he just trying to cheer him up? I like the escalation and I like the sense of competition and the back and forth - but all this to cheer up a puppy? And again, the trampoline element does feel a little shoe-horned in.

    Could it be that the Patissier and the pet shop owner are in competition for the 'best Christmas window display' award? So you have an escalation between the Patissier and the Pet shop in terms of the increasingly elaborate tableaux in the window? The Patissier baking and making ever more elaborate cakes, with more layers, more decorations etc., while the pet shop owner has got performing dogs, kittens on stilts (!?) and so on and so on, cutting back and forth etc, in common with your existing structure. I can see then how the trampoline might get involved as an integral part of the pet shop display, leading to some kind of mishap that instigates the end sequence. In terms of ending, I can see it ending in farce and disaster - some kind of punchline etc. In terms of motivation or goals, I just think that the patsies trying to effect the mood of a puppy via that language of cakes is a bit of stretch, even in animation land!

  2. I just think that the *patissier* trying to effect the mood of a puppy via that language of cakes is a bit of stretch, even in animation land! - damn you, autocorrect!

  3. Hey Phil, I wanted to set up the idea that the patissier was a very proud man, known for the joy his cakes bring to people, and so when the idea of someone being unhappy (in this case the puppy) presented itself to him, he would see it as an easy fix for him and his creations, hence the scale of determination he shows when his cakes effectively doing their job.

    As for the bouncing, I wanted it to be obvious that the real reason the puppy was unhappy is because it was surrounded by animals that could bounce or jump, making themselves more noticeable to the passing public.

    I feel the same way in that the cake trampoline feels slightly 'crow barred' into the story, but I'm just really set on the idea of the patissier feeling as if it's his duty to make a being happy through his creations, I just feel like it has a little bit of charm that I haven't found in any of my other plots :(

  4. 'Effectively aren't doing their jobs!' Sorry!

  5. Yep - I got that sense of him being 'proud' - but the whole idea of a puppy being miserable because it can't bounce is a bit opaque for audiences, don't you think? Certainly when I read the script, I just got a sense that the puppy was miserable because it just wanted an owner - not the opportunity 'to bounce'. I was going to suggest cutting the bouncing rabbits anyway, because they seem like a distraction.

    So, is your story about a puppy who wants to bounce...?
    Is your story about a proud patissier whose self-esteem is predicated upon delighting people - even dogs?

    I can see this as a story about a lonely patissier who understands that happiness is to 'get over himself and his abilities' by sharing his life with something else - i.e. the dog - but the bouncing thing is just too improbable to me - it doesn't seem like anyone's credible goal - unless your story was about a ball that can't bounce (for example) - in other words - the bouncing is the goal. Do you see what I mean? I think the trampoline is bending the story you want to tell into an obscure shape.

  6. Hey Phil, I have thought about the story a lot since your feedback and decided that the elements you highlighted as being weak were probably letting down the story too much and decided to go down the route of your earlier idea, the competing shop keepers.

    I was thinking about how I could make that story come to life a bit and I'm contemplating setting my story up as a 'Charlie Chaplin' vintage animation of sorts, possibly black and white and in a 4:3 ratio? aim to bring the comedy of the story to life with the elaborate window displays and bring in some really over the time characters.

    let me know what you think